Short Story - That A Crow Will Smile Like A Dove

That A Crow Will Smile Like A Dove

     With my very big wings, I flew across this town in the midnight to do my job. I love the night so much as its atmosphere is always warm and safe to me. The midnight gives me freedom to fly, to walk, to swim and also to breathe. I often think that my love to the night is caused by my background that tells the fact about the darkness. I was born into the darkness, at least the darkness that always be a part of human thoughts.

     I landed on a street then I walked through it, looking for the address that had been given to me before I got there. “It must be a big place,” I thought. It was proved as I came to that place which people called a hospital.

     I entered that place without any excuses, walking through the corridor which was very dark and quiet. It was quiet until they started to cry out. They were crying while I walked along that corridor.

     “Oh! An Angel! Please help me! Take me away from here!” Somebody was shouting in sorrow.

     “Angel! Tenshi! Malaikat! Ange!”

     “No! Go away! You are devil!” There was a number of people that shouting in their deep dark fears.

     “Devil! Akuma! Iblis! Démon!”     

     I just walked through the corridor without giving attention to their voice. I just wanted to do my job there. I just wanted to take the deaths to their place peacefully. With my power, I just sent them only with my voice. I was smiling with my dirty regrets before gone with the rising of the sun in the dawn.

“Someday these black wings will be turning into white

Inside, a devil, outside, an angel

I’m just a crow that has forgotten how to fly.”

    

     I woke up in the morning and lost my spirit suddenly. It was Sunday, and I didn’t want to go somewhere as my life was just like a piece of shit. I could not speak up my mind, I could not give my opinion, I could not get everything I wanted. I only saw the pitch black in my life. I lived on my own life, alone in my desolation. I thought, I was dying. Okay! I was dying because I wanted to.

     Then, I looked myself in the mirror in my room. I saw a girl with a very long, straight, and jet black hair hang loosely, her face was pale, her smile was awkward, and her eyes were droopy. I saw a medium height girl with her skinny body, only skin and bone. I saw a girl that just wanted to die. 

     My name is Shina but people call me Shinigami (Death Angel or The God of Death) as I always fight against the current. I was a rebel. I was a girl in my age between girl and woman. I was eighteen years old with a black emo style. I muted my voice and didn’t want to speak anymore since I was seventeen as my parents always made me shut my mouth when I spoke, as my teachers didn’t want me to make a change, as my friends laughed when I said that I could make a change to this world. Everything was wrong in my eyes. That I was born as a girl was a mistake, that I was a critical girl who always speak my mind was a mistake, that I was in a first place in my class was a mistake, that I was lonely was a mistake, that I was born ugly was a mistake, that I loved to sing but I could not find my stage was a big mistake. In this point, I just wanted to take every soul with my own soul.

     My face was always covered by make-up, a thick make-up to cover my sadness. My hair was always messy. I wore a jumper everywhere because I didn’t want everyone saw my skinny body and my scars. Yeah, my scars. I used to hurt myself by cutting my wrist and my thigh when I felt desperate and depressed. I loved to see my own blood, the red blood, the crimson blood that always reminded me of my birth. My life was perfect before I turned sixteen.

     I used to be a good listener to everyone around me, and I always gave some simple advices to them with my sweet smile. They were happy with me, but they expected too much then. They expected me to listen to what they said too. They wanted me to become what they wanted. I told them that I wanted to make a change to the world then, but I just received their sour smile and laugh. “I wanted to speak up my mind as a musician someday,” I said. “I wanted to write a song that could make people be motivated,” I said. “I wanted to be the voice for those who don’t have one,” I said again. They were laughing, they said that my voice was horrible, my music was sick and my senses of art was disgusting. In the end, they said that I was disgusting as a girl. They said that I was a robot that didn’t need to make a change.

     The day when I went to a concert of a band a couple months ago was very depressing. I saw that band, they were boys. They could do anything on the stage. Suddenly, I felt envy with those boys. They could do rebel and go away freely, they could make girls love them, they had the stage, they were happy with their bunch of friends, and they made me felt pathetic immediately.

     Compared to my life, I was a girl who always followed my parents’ will. I was a girl who could not change myself but wanted to change the world. What a shame! I could not break the boundaries around me but I expected everything too much. Suddenly, I laughed at myself. Look! I could not make boys loved me too. They always saw me as an ugly girl. I just could laughed with this cursed fate.

     If I were a boy, I would have a number of girls as a boy could speak his mind, and he could ask the girl he loved to be his girlfriend. As a girl, I just could not do that. I was prohibited to do that as a girl because my Mom has told me so. If I were a boy, I would have become a musician although my Mom and my Dad didn’t want me to, because I could run away from home without any fears. If I were a boy, my statements would have been appreciated easier.

     I closed my eyes and started to enter the darkness. I didn’t want to say and hear anything. I muted my voice if it was horrible and I closed my ears if everyone was deaf. “Perhaps, this is the last time in my life. I just want to end this life now,” I said.

“So let’s talk about the darkness

I am not scared of the dark because I am the dark itself

I am refused by the light as I paint myself in black.”

     I took a rope, about two meter and half length. I made a knot and hang it on my room ceiling with climbing the chair. I just wanted to end my voice if it was just horrible. I just wanted to die. I did that with full of consciousness. I did that with my smiling face.

     When I was standing above the chair below the rope, something restrained me. Somebody just hugged my legs. I didn’t know who, but when I looked down below me, it was a boy. I didn’t have any idea how could a strange boy came into my room, moreover, I had never met him before.

     Because I muted and didn’t want to speak to anyone, I just against that boy with tapping my feet and kicking, but suddenly he just pulled me. I was fallen but that boy hugged me tightly. He ruffled my hair gently and kissed my forehead. I didn’t understand about what he did. That boy was such like a pervert, and I slapped him on his face.

     “What are you doing here?!” I shouted. This was my first shout ever after a century not talked to anyone.

     That boy just kept his head down and didn’t look at me.

     “And… Who are you?” I started to get mad. I hold his chin and made him looked at me.

     That boy just kept silent and didn’t say anything. On the other hand, I felt like I know who he was but I had no idea about that. That boy just had made me spoke again. This fact had driven me crazy.

     After being intimidated, that boy took a note paper and pencil from his pocket. I saw that he wrote something there.

     “Hi! My name is Will. Just call me Will,” he wrote.

     “Why don’t you just say it? Huh?!” I asked, then I saw him staring at my lips weirdly.

     He nodded and wrote something again,

     “I can’t speak. I can’t hear,” he wotre.

     “Are you really? Really mute? Really deaf?”

     He starred at my lips again and nodded.

     “Oh my!” And I started not to care about him and climbed the chair again. Suddenly, he pulled me down and held my hand.

    “I want to take you to see something,” he said with his sign language.

     “It’s not my business,” I answered indifferently.

     Will didn’t wrote anything or make a sign, but he just took me to somewhere. He held my left hand and started to run fast until I felt so tired as I didn’t eat anything that day. Then, we arrived at a woods where I always visited when I felt lonely.

     “Hey! What do you think you are doing, huh?!” I shouted.

     Will shook his head and smiled. Then, I started to stare at him. He wore a white shirt and white trousers. He wore a pair of white shoes too. His clothes was contrast with his wavy jet black hair. His skin was bright, as bright as his clothes. His smile was so warm and sweet as his white teeth appeared neatly, and his dimples were formed on his right and left cheeks. On that time, I felt so beautiful, and this life did too.

     After smiling at me, Will made a move that signed me to come closer to him. I came to him with the joyful feeling, and I could not stop to smile.

     “Are you an angel that is sent from heaven or what?” I asked.

     He shook his head.

     “So? Who are you? I have never met you before.”

     He smiled and didn’t give me an answer.

     “Okay. Never mind!” I desperated.

     He gave me a book then. The book seemed very old and worn-out. No, it wasn’t a book but a comic. What a hilarious boy he was! He gave me “Naruto” comic, and I started to laugh.
 

     “Hahahaha! Naruto? Are you sure?”

    He nodded.

     “This is?” I started to look at the comic, “The first volume! I haven’t read this yet! Oh my!!!” I started to get excited as I had so many “Naruto” comics but I didn’t have the first book. I had never read this yet for sure.

     I saw Will was still writing on his note. He seemed to write a long note to me. His face turned into serious mode which I thought something he wrote must be serious too.

     I decided to wait by reading the “Naruto” comic. After reading that comic. I wondered how Naruto could put up with the situation that always brought him down. If I were Naruto, I wouldn’t forgive everyone that always treated me badly. Naruto had a massive power, right? So, why didn’t he just kill them? Ah, he wasn’t me at all. I read the comic until the last chapter and started to cry. I felt so irritated with its story as I felt the same as Naruto felt. Both of us were just kicked away from the society, and nobody would care about our existence unless to cover our power

     A few minutes later, Will gave me his note that had been written to me. That note wasn’t too long, but I felt guilty after reading that. I didn’t know why a strange boy like him could give some advices like that.

     “I hope you like it! I know that Naruto is such an old thing in my time, but I hope you to know that this one has given me motivation to live my life. I hate the fact that you are mute and deaf because you want to. I hate the fact that you want to kill yourself. If you know, I hate become mute and deaf. I was born in this way and I hate it so much. I can’t hear my Mom’s voice, I can’t tell her how much I love her, I can’t play any music instruments, I can’t communicate easily. I just want to speak up my mind and be a good listener to everyone around me but I can’t. I found this comic book when I passed someone’s grave ten years ago. I took it without any excuses and read it. I suddenly felt that I was like Naruto. He is not mute and deaf, I know, but he has a big dream although everyone around him always bring him down. He always tries to smile and be a happy boy. Yeah! I started to love drawing comic too after read this,” he wrote.

     “How can you know that I’m mute?” I asked as I wondered why he knew everything about me.

     Will make a sign, he said that he just knew it.

     “Never mind!” I said with smilling, “So, let’s talk about Naruto!”

     By that time, I always talked to Will every afternoon in the woods after I got home from school. We discussed about comics, books, music, movies, and everything. I felt so happy although sometimes I didn’t understand what kind of movies he watched, comics and books he read that mostly was very strange to me. He also didn’t understand about music I told him about as he was deaf. In this case, we didn’t care whether we understood or not. To have a friend was the matter of our meetings. I saw that Will was always trying to listen and understand me, he also trying to speak his mind. I started to wonder why he had to do that, and I started to get ashamed too because I was a normal person who wanted to be mute and deaf, and got away from the social life. I was a normal person who wanted to kill myself.

     Kill myself? Oh! I started to forget it. This was my deepest wish at all. I just wanted to die. No! I had Will. No! Will was not real. Okay. It was wrong! I could not believe in an imagination boy that came immediately in my room. Huh. Will was not real. No! I started to remember what happened. How could a boy come into my room? No way! It must be my imagination!

“Someday these black wings will be turning into white

Inside, a devil, outside, an angel

I’m just a crow that has forgotten how to fly.”

     I ran back to my house, to enter my gloomy moments once again after quitting for a week. I saw Will was running to get me. I knew that he would prevent me to kill myself again, but I could not believe in his presence anymore. It wasn’t right.  He wasn’t real. I was crying and blaming myself. I felt like a moron that day I just wanted to end my life no matter what.

     While I ran back home that time, I saw that Will was following me. I saw his face which looked full of guilty, but on that time I just would not believe in his presence. Never. I just ran into my house and wanted to get into my room and died by the hanging rope.

     So I did that without looking back again. I didn’t feel that Will was behind me anymore as I tought that he had gone. That was right! He was just an imagination. I had become crazy, perhaps I had schizophrenia or something. I was really done with this life. I didn’t say goodbye to everyone because I thought people wouldn’t care about me. I was a ghost, and that was what it was. Yeah! So, I just go.

     I opened my eyes as everything I did was not working. I was still standing in front of someone’s grave. It was quiet, and I was quiet too. I was a boy with jet black wavy hair, I was tall enough and rather skinny. I wore white shirt, trousers, and shoes. I smiled to my previous life in front of me. “Shina,” it is written on a surface of a tomb stone. If only I could speak, I would have told you my story as a comic artist for this time being. I knew, you would like it. “You are not a devil or Shinigami as they say, but you are an angel,” I said inside my heart. I gave her a smile before I got back home in that morning as I just turned eighteen.

(THE END)

p.s: Dilarang keras copas tanpa menyertakan sumber!

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ELISABETH DYAH AYU CINTAMI WISNUGROHO